Eine Kleine Nichtmusik

Witty and pertinent observations on matters of great significance OR Incoherent jottings on total irrelevancies OR Something else altogether OR All of the above

Saturday, October 06, 2007

People never think how things affect the plumbing of the henchman

I loved this post of Anna's. It reminded me of my favourite bits in Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery, the ones where he's just killed an evil henchman and we cut to a scene with the henchman's grieving family or friends:

94 INT. KITCHEN

A pleasant-looking MIDDLE AGED LADY answers the phone.

MIDDLE AGED LADY
Hello?
(pause)
Yes, this is Mrs. Harwin.
(pause)
Yes, I have a son named Steve Harwin.
(pause)
Yes, that's right, he's a henchman in Dr. Evil's Private Army.
(pause)
What? Killed?
(pause)
How?
(pause)
Run over by a steamroller? Oh my God. Thank you for calling.

She HANGS UP. A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD enters.

FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD
Hi Mom! When's Steve coming home? He said he was going to teach me to play ball.

MRS. HARWIN
Sit down, Billy, I have some bad news. As you know, your brother Steven was a henchman in Dr. Evil's Private Army.

BILLY
Was? What is it, Mom?

MRS. HARWIN
Your brother was run over by a steamroller.

BILLY
A steamroller?
(bursting into tears)
No, not Steve! Since Dad died, Steve's been like a father to me.

MRS. HARWIN
I'm sorry son. People never think how things affect the family of the henchman.
(hugging him)
I love you, Billy.
(to herself, out loud)
I wonder if we'll be able to receive Steve's henchman's comp.

CAMERA PANS to a high-school photograph of Steve on the wall.



and


105 EXT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT - DAY

It is a sports bar-type restaurant that has scantily clad BUSTY WAITRESSES.

106 INT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT

At a table we see fifteen or so TWENTY-SOMETHING GUYS, scouting chicks, drinking ugs of beer.

GUY 1
I can't believe John Smith is getting married tomorrow.

GUY 2
Where is Smittie anyways? It's not like him to be late for anything, especially his own stag party.

GUY 3
Well, you know he's a henchman for Dr. Evil. Sometimes they work late. Can I just say something that may sound a little sappy? I think it's a testament to our friend John that so many of his buddies showed up in his honor. There's a lot of love in this room.

A large-breasted WAITRESS approaches with a phone.

WAITRESS
Hi, I have a phone call here for the John Smith party.

GUY 1
Hello?
(pause)
Yes, I have a friend named John Smith.
(pause)
That's right, he's in Dr. Evil's private army.
(pause)
What? He's dead?
(pause)
Decapitated by mutated flying sea bass? Oh my God! OK, thank you.

He hangs up.

GUY 2
(to Guy 1)
Hey Bill, what's wrong? Was that John? Is he coming late?

GUY 1
Guys, John's not coming.

GUY 2
Why?

GUY 1
He was decapitated by mutated flying sea bass.

GUYS
(upset)
Oh no, oh my God, etc.

GUY 1
All right, to Smittie!

Everyone raises their glasses.

GUYS
To Smittie!


(excerpts from AUSTIN POWERS: International Man of Mystery by Mike Myers)

3 Comments:

At 20 February, 2009 15:14, Anonymous Vicente said...

Completely agree! I love it too. I found your post when looking for material for my post on the subject (it is in spanish): http://www.vicentedepablo.com/Trilogias-de-cine-la-regla-la-excepcion-y-el-abandono-de-los-esbirros/

 
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